PROFILE NO-NOS: Wannabe Wittiness With a Side of Spelling/Grammar Errors

Guys, I got my first submission to Tinder Angst! It’s actually from my coworker/partner-in-crime in this fledgling Tinder sisterhood.

At first when she showed me Mr. Emmanuel’s profile, I was like, “oh yeah, so bogus when people can’t bring themselves to show their FACE in profiles” (can we all agree that faces are like 89-100% of the game? Duh).

But as it turned out, my coworker had an even better reason to left-swipe. Poor Emmanuel, who fancies himself 27% rogue warrior, mistook himself for a cosmetic product (and a totally 80’s one at that): rouge.

And as long as the Tinder copy-editing police are cruising, I’ll throw in another error I winced at: leaving out the “ly” at the end of “physical.”

VERDICT: Stay classy, Emmanuel.

THE SNOOZEFEST DATE: When He’s Hot… But Boring

You guys.  I had a nice date last night with “Charlie.”  But when I say nice, what I really mean is, booooooring.  When I find myself on a date fantasizing about brushing my teeth and going to sleep, that’s probably an indication that there isn’t (or shouldn’t) be a second date.

PROS:
He was hot.  I know you might not be impressed when I say this, but he was like a super-attractive version of Rob Schneider. Continue reading “THE SNOOZEFEST DATE: When He’s Hot… But Boring”

SUPER LIKING BY ACCIDENT: Because God Forbid You Made Someone’s Day

Jesus Christ, people.  We’ve got a narcissist fucktard as our Commander-in-Chief, women are STILL sexually harassing men in the workplace, and everyone else is either an opiate addict or a Type 2 diabetic.  So if there’s one non-shitty thing you can do for another wretched person on this doomed planet, DO IT.

That means not making a big fucking drama-queen deal about super-liking someone by accident.  Go ahead, let them furiously masturbate to the idea that you’re furiously masturbating to their driver’s-side-selfie profile pic!  (What is it with dudes and car selfies btw?)  Let them feast on your precious crumbs of unintentional flattery in those blissful moments before you shatter their dreams by un-matching them from your tired queue of People Who Meet Your Totally Arbitrary Standards for Physical Attractiveness But Who Are Probably Cold and Dead on the Inside.

VERDICT: Consider it community service, bitches!