You guys. I had a nice date last night with “Charlie.” But when I say nice, what I really mean is, booooooring. When I find myself on a date fantasizing about brushing my teeth and going to sleep, that’s probably an indication that there isn’t (or shouldn’t) be a second date.
He was hot. I know you might not be impressed when I say this, but he was like a super-attractive version of Rob Schneider.
He didn’t have kids himself, but he didn’t run screaming when he heard I have two, and even asked me a lot of questions about them.
He was very pragmatic and goal-oriented. Responsible men are a plus — I’m 38, for god sake.
He’s had very shitty things happen to him, but he wasn’t resentful about them. Great! I can’t deal with professional victims.
He wanted to meet right away and didn’t bombard me with endless texts beforehand. Not a time-waster. I have no time so that’s excellent.
His voice was monotone. And to put it in clinical terms (I’m a therapist), his emotional functioning appeared blunted. Like, there was zero variation in his facial expressions or voice volume, whether he was talking about renovating his house or getting pistol-whipped at a bar. (Both true stories.)
I could tell he was attracted to me by certain things he said, but his body language was all, “we’re at a sales meeting discussing monthly quotas.” No leaning in closer, no playful gestures or expressions, and again… the monotone. That makes me think he would be boring in bed, too. (Am I wrong? Tell me if I’m wrong.)
He made executive decisions without asking for input. When the waitress asked if we wanted appetizers, he immediately goes, “no.” Same thing with dessert. Um…. thanks? I love dessert.
He made zero sexual initiative. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car but stood about three feet away saying goodnight. Then he kind of relented and stepped in to give me a super-stiff hug, the kind you’d give your uncle at Christmas who you haven’t seen in three years because he lives all the way in Seattle and you literally never talk and he’s not on social media and even if he was you’d never comment on his posts because they’re so boring you always scroll right through them.
You might be thinking… maybe he just wasn’t that into you, girlfriend! But the thing is, he was! He texted me like four times after we said goodbye and literally the last thing he said in person was, “we should definitely do this again.” But I need to feel that desire. There’s got to be reciprocal energy, even (or especially) on a first date. I’m not above being the one to take initiative, but I can’t feel like I’m doing all the work, or that he’s that cousin from Seattle.
And yeah, maybe he was “just shy.” But that’s a problem too. I mean, I used to be shy too, before I grew a pair. I need a man with confidence and some goddamn passion.
VERDICT: I’ll have the grande nachos and and several orders of flourless chocolate cake.