STFU ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS: You’re Dead to Me So Save Your Breath

How’s your day? Is it Wednesday yet?

Not too bad, busy. But I have to say, I’m a little apprehensive about coming over on Wednesday.

Ohhh, I get it. You had fun giving me the full-court press up until last night and making out Sunday but the minute I prioritize writing over you, you try to make me feel like a stupid slut. Thanks asshole

Maybe it’s nerves. Defense mechanisms. I didn’t plan to meet anyone.

Or maybe it’s because you think you’re God’s gift but you’re really just a pasty cracker with sleep apnea and a beer gut

Not cancelling.  Maybe I’ll even re-think this by tomorrow.
How’s your day?

Great, now that you reminded me why I hate people

Is it egotistical of me to think it’s not totally great because I’ve been wishy-washy?

You are egotistical. But good to hear you’re also self-aware

I really hope I didn’t ruin your day or mood today. Just sharing my thoughts/feelings, weird and/or unfounded as they may be or seem to be.

Fuck your feelings

Isla and I had Chinese food for dinner. Thought I’d send you these.

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One is just nonsense.

Naw bro, you are nonsense.

So, I still need to see your tattoos…

All you need to know is that they’re there to remind me why I should stay away from you

NO SUCH THING AS A SURE THING: How to Deal With Rapid-Fire Rejection

You guys. I feel like I’m in a one-act play where the main character has two options: jump out a tenth-story window or psych herself into becoming the CEO of her own mega-branded motivational speaking lifestyle channel. Jesus fucking Christ. Either way, the struggle is real.

This week has been, like, an excruciating exercise in rapid-fire rejection. Two breakup texts in the space of three days, plus obvious ghosting by the Tinder Virgin guy from last week, whose blog post recounting our awful second date I haven’t even gotten a chance to finish yet. And should I add to this list the mutual ghosting between me and boring date guy, who ended up never hitting me up again (probably for the best).

So let’s recap: three rejections after one date, and now this rejection even before the first date! Continue reading “NO SUCH THING AS A SURE THING: How to Deal With Rapid-Fire Rejection”

WELL I DIDN’T LIKE YOU EITHER: How to Feel When an Douchebag Rejects You

So you guys. I was recently Tinder-texting with a good-looking single dad, “Eric,” who, upon learning my basic stats and soliciting my answers to “describe your personality in ten words or less,” declared we were “a perfect match.” In fact, he was so excited to meet me that he drove 80 miles on a Tuesday night because that happened to be my soonest available time slot.

As soon as we sat down, Eric regaled me with his life story: adopted at birth, emotionally distant parents, high school troublemaker/cool kid, two colleges before finally graduating, first wife who supported him through school but whom he cheated on and ditched with a newborn, bankruptcy, moving back home, three more kids “by accident” with a pretty but empty-headed girlfriend… Continue reading “WELL I DIDN’T LIKE YOU EITHER: How to Feel When an Douchebag Rejects You”


There was this guy I met up with recently — we’ll call him “Ted” — whom I right-swiped because (duh) he was cute, and also because he was a newspaper reporter, which I used to be too.  We texted a lot for one night and decided to meet for coffee the next day.

When I get there, Ted is cute in person too, but clearly kind of socially awkward.  Anyway, we started talking and I got to thinking wow, we have a lot in common.  It was one of those great conversations where everything just flows super easily and you have a billion things you’re interested in about the other person and vice versa.

But near the end of the date, he kind of clears his throat and the vibe changes abruptly to seriousness and he goes you know I’m really new to this Tinder thing, and I want to know if you think this situation is weird after I tell you about it, and of course I’m all BRING IT ON, number one because I’m a therapist and I love people’s random confessions and also because literally nothing shocks me. Continue reading “YOUR TINDER DATE IS NOT YOUR THERAPIST (AND VICE VERSA): When Transparency Kills Romance”

PROFILE NO-NOS: Wannabe Wittiness With a Side of Spelling/Grammar Errors

Guys, I got my first submission to Tinder Angst! It’s actually from my coworker/partner-in-crime in this fledgling Tinder sisterhood.

At first when she showed me Mr. Emmanuel’s profile, I was like, “oh yeah, so bogus when people can’t bring themselves to show their FACE in profiles” (can we all agree that faces are like 89-100% of the game? Duh).

But as it turned out, my coworker had an even better reason to left-swipe. Poor Emmanuel, who fancies himself 27% rogue warrior, mistook himself for a cosmetic product (and a totally 80’s one at that): rouge.

And as long as the Tinder copy-editing police are cruising, I’ll throw in another error I winced at: leaving out the “ly” at the end of “physical.”

VERDICT: Stay classy, Emmanuel.